I was twelve and just started secondary school. I was super excited about fi-na-ly leaving elementary school behind. God, I was SO done with that!
Anyway.
There I was, enjoying all new classes, teachers, class mates. One of these new classes was a class that taught you how to learn and do homework. Our first assignment: read an article and write a short summary of its essence.
One week later, the teacher stood before class with a stack of summaries from every pupil in his hands. He looked around class, stern, frowning.
“Let’s see,” he said, continuing to look around. His eyes locked on me. “You, Van Tuijl. Do you think you delivered good work? Do you actually think this is a summary?”
Oh my god. I broke out in an invisible sweat. Because I was put on the spot and in the spotlight, something I HATED. And also because I did my stinking best, and apparently it wasn’t good enough?
It felt so unsafe. So instead of giving the answer that was true for me (“Yes, I do”), I gave the answer I thought he wanted to hear. “Ehm … no?”
He looked at me even sterner before he said, “Wrong. This IS a good summary. Great, in fact. The others — he waved the stack of papers around, vaguely pointing out everyone in the classroom — should come to you and ask to show them what you did.”
I hardly heard what he said. My heart was beating out of my chest from the gigantic stress I just experienced.
But above all, I felt ashamed. For disrespecting myself and acting on what I thought another expected from me instead.
Decades later, I see my clients do something similar:
They say “of course!” when someone asks if they can help them cook for a party of 65, even when they really don’t want to.
They give a discount because they’re afraid to miss out on that important project.
They over-give, over-deliver, and are always willing to help out.
Even when it costs them.
Even when they’re already exhausted.
Because it feels too hard or unsafe to say what they really want to say.
They want to say ‘no’.
But they’re not sure how.
They think the same thing I used to think:
That you need to do a ton of inner work first.
Analyze what exactly you’re afraid will happen, and overcome that fear somehow.
Work on your self-confidence.
Use affirmations, or visualize saying ‘no’, or journal about it, or …
But there’s no work or effort involved, at all.
You already know exactly what you want to say.
You just get distracted by stories that tell you why you shouldn’t.
Don’t pay attention to those stories.
Notice the sweat, your loudly beating heart, your shallow breathing.
Don’t run away from it.
Feel it, fully.
And notice how suddenly, your truth rolls from your lips.
No preparation or inner work needed.
Your truth was always there.
You just paid more attention to something else instead.
It would have saved me a lot of time (and sweat) if I’d known that sooner.
Love,
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