“I still feel like I should be doing something,” a friend said.
It was the fourth day of his vacation. There was nothing that he should be doing. His schedule was empty.
And still.
He had this constant flow of unrest moving through his body, urging him to do things, or else …
There’s a name for it because this is so common:
Leisure sickness.
There’s nothing to do, but it doesn’t feel like that.
Your body and nervous system are still in go-mode.
That sense that you should be productive is so normal that you don’t even know it’s there most of the time.
Until there’s nothing to do and you still feel like you shouldn’t ‘waste’ your time.
That’s what we’ve been taught:
Use your time wisely.
Be productive.
You need to do things to get things.
(To survive.)
I’ve lived with that near constant unpleasant buzzing of you-should-be-productive for most of my life.
At school, there was always homework to be done. Or a room to be cleaned, a bed to be made.
At university, there was always the next test to prep for. (I still dropped out anyway.)
Later, in jobs, there was always one task after the other that needed to be done, day in, day out.
And once I started my business I kept unconsciously tracking if I’d done enough yet. If I’d been productive enough that day.
(I never was.)
We learned that resting is for weekends, for sleep, for vacation, for after you’ve been productive and earned ‘a moment to yourself’. (What does that even mean?)
But once that earned time off arrives, you find you still can’t relax.
Productivity poison still buzzes through your veins.
By the time you feel at ease, your vacation is over.
And dozens of shoulds and musts start pulling on you again.
Maybe you think that this time, it will be different.
This time, you’ll hang on to that vacation-high!
You Google how to do that and find articles galore with ideas on how to hold on to that holiday feeling.
Like “do things because you want to, not because you should.”
Great tip.
Thanks.
And sure, you can do that.
But what often happens is that, while you’re doing something just for fun, guilt simmers on the back burner.
“Even on a Saturday night, while watching a movie, I feel guilty because I could be doing something better,” a client once told me. “Like working on my website, or cleaning out a kitchen cupboard, or finishing my business plan for next year. I can never fully relax without feeling like I should be doing something.”
I remember what that felt like, vividly.
Thankfully it’s been years since that constant sense, that burden, of feeling like you should do more, has left me.
Yes, left me.
It’s a deliberate choice of words.
Busyness and productivity-anxiety broke up with me.
I didn’t have to do something to make it go away.
(Oh, the irony of working on not feeling like you should work.)
How did it leave?
By noticing the urge to do something, and not spring into action or distract myself.
Instead of running with it, I stayed with it.
I let the urge clamp up my stomach and rush through my veins and close up my throat and pinch in my neck.
I didn’t send an email, work on a plan, or distract myself by polishing my toenails.
And noticed something interesting.
Nothing went to shit.
Nothing was left undone.
And I didn’t turn into a bored zombie vegging out on the couch between empty pizza boxes and dirty dishes.
I still did what I needed to do.
Just without that constant sense that something needed doing.
Without that sense weighing on my shoulders, my neck, my whole being.
Sometimes, the thought that I have all this time, and what the fuck do I have to show for it, comes up.
But instead of take that as a sign that I should do something, I just watch that thought come and go.
It’s harmless, meaningless, powerless.
Whatever I need to do I do, without any ass-kicking or urgency.
I just … do it.
That constant inner nagging to get your ass in gear is unnecessary.
It doesn’t make life better and it doesn’t produce better work.
Without it, life is so much sweeter.
Simpler.
All it takes is staying with discomfort instead of fixing it.
These days, 4 pm is just 4 pm.
Just the time.
Not a sign to measure if I’ve done enough that day, falling short, feeling stressed, promising myself to do better tomorrow, and repeat that same cycle again at 4 pm.
What a relief.
Love,
P.S. Liked this blog?
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