If you’ve been reading these blogs for a while, you may know that there’s one thing I struggled with for a long time: money.
If I didn’t have enough, I worried where the next money would come from.
If I had enough, I worried when it would run out. (Not if.)
I worked on it endlessly.
On my mindset and beliefs around money, self-worth, the value of my work. On my business model and marketing. I did healings, journaled, and analyzed the shit out of the issue.
At some point it wasn’t even the money itself that was the problem.
It was the frustration and anger about not being able to fix it. I’m capable, smart, and deliver great work. So whyyyyyyyy wasn’t I able to permanently fix this? What was wrong with me?!
What I didn’t see at the time was that money was never the problem.
Nor was my self-love, my self-confidence, my marketing, my business model, or the way I flipped my hair out of my eyes when I sweated through my workout.
What I didn’t see was that something deeper ran underneath:
A persistent doubt if I was allowed to fully exist as myself.
If I could be all of me in my business and still succeed.
Still make enough money.
Still be safe, okay, and enough.
And unconsciously, my bank account was always proof that I was not good enough.
That was too painful to look right in the eyes, so I kept looking at what I could do.
Should I be doing more?
Something different?
What was I still not seeing?
What was still wrong (with me)?
You’d think that having enough money in the bank would finally make me feel good, secure and safe enough.
It didn’t.
Because the underlying sense that I was inherently flawed kept running, and just sought other outlets.
It was there when I wrote a blog that was more outspoken than usual. I published it (often after taking out the parts that made me most uncomfortable), but it made me feel uncomfortably exposed.
When no one responded, I saw it as proof that it wasn’t good enough. (That I wasn’t good enough.)
When people did respond, I hardly registered it.
It was there when I watched a movie or just sat on the couch doing nothing.
I could be doing something productive in this time.
Shouldn’t I?
In more than two decades of coaching, a lot has changed in my work.
But what ALL my ideal clients had in common even though what they came to me for was different, was this:
That same underlying existential question (or wound, whatever you prefer to call it) flowed through them constantly:
Am I allowed to exist as myself, exactly as I am?
Can I really be true to all my weirdness, my talents, my different ways of working and thinking and living, and still be okay? Still make enough money? Still succeed and make a difference? Still do business in the way I truly want to?
They weren’t always aware that that deeper question ran the show.
They, like me, just thought that were scared to make themselves visible.
Or they weren’t good at the entrepreneurial game.
Or what they sold was so different that it was hard to put into words what its value was.
Or that they were procrastinators / lazy / weren’t clear enough on what they truly wanted / didn’t have enough knowledge and experience / were afraid to take a stand for their opinions and desires.
Or, as one of my clients put it, “That there’s a subtle cloud or something that’s always there. Like something that feels painful, and then I don’t dare tell people about my offer.”
She, just like my other clients, just like me, worked on that issue since forever. With coaches and healers and friends.
She, just like my other clients, just like me, tried everything she could think of: masterminds, healings, mindset work, marketing and business courses, howling at the moon.
And nothing permanently stuck.
Because all these ‘solutions’ are based on the same premise:
That something is wrong (with you) that needs to be fixed.
That there’s a better version of your business, your life, (of you), waiting in the future.
And you need to figure out what you must do today, tomorrow, and 3 years from now to turn that future possibility into reality.
This may work when you’re building a house.
(Although that usually takes up more time and budget than previously planned. I’ve watched enough episodes of Grand Design to know this.)
But when it’s about you?
Nah.
All the interventions and solutions do is keep the problem alive (and create new ones.)
Because there’s nothing wrong with you.
There never was.
And you can exist as fully yourself.
The ‘solution’ is that no solution is needed.
The ‘answer’ is to stop fixing.
To stop trying to improve or change who you are.
To stop trying to change your thoughts, or your mood, or the way you flip your sweaty hair out of your eyes during your workout.
And to look at where thoughts and moods and the impulse to flip your hair come from.
That’s the ‘space’ where freedom already is.
Where peace and calm and everything you looked for is already present.
From that space, mental noise quiets down.
Decisions become simple.
You work without needing to kick your ass or give yourself pep-talks.
Pressure and tension dissolve.
And that nagging voice, that wonders what’s wrong with you or what you do?
It quiets down.
And if it pipes up at times, you see it for what it is:
A scrap of energy, without substance or power.
You see it come.
You see it go.
It no longer rules you.
And even when you’re still busy and your hair still falls in your eyes during downward dogs,
you can finally.
Fully.
Deeply.
Relax.
Love,
P.S. This is the shift my clients experience in private coaching.
Want to explore if this is for you?
No pitch, no pressure, no cost.
Just a real conversation to see if this is right for you.
I’ll contact you within 2 business days to schedule your call.
P.P.S. Liked this blog?
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