Here’s what I felt for a big part of my life:
Like I was an alien, accidentally dropped on the wrong planet. I should have been delivered to ZongBong3, right in the middle of fellow ZongBongers, but ended up among humans.
For the longest time, I felt so out of place.
I never felt more alone than in groups.
I felt there was something fundamentally wrong with the way people lived that I couldn’t pinpoint exactly.
I even felt misplaced inside my own life.
An almost constant sense of un-ease, of being in the wrong place, or at the wrong time, was always there. I couldn’t point to it and say: “This is what hurts.”
But it still hurt.
I looked at people who moved through life and social situations with apparent ease and wondered how they managed that.
Watched people move through life like office zombies, only getting some life back once they took off their tie, and wondered why they hurt themselves like that.
And don’t get me started on wars and all atrocities humans are capable of.
What the hell?!
At some point I felt I found the source of that hurt that was always scratching my insides:
A lack of purpose. And meaning.
A solid reason to get out of bed each morning.
A way to make money in ways that didn’t feel so fucking disconnected from everything that was real, and true, and alive.
I found that purpose.
And a way to make money in ways that felt connected—to me, to what truly mattered.
(Although I still couldn’t get over the fact that making money was necessary to begin with. I mean, why? No really, WHY???? I don’t see squirrels or dolphins go to the office to get paid to then spend that money on renting a piece of ocean or tree to live in, do you?)
That invisible pain retreated.
Sunk further back into the background.
But never fully left.
And I could never fully grasp what still felt off, or missing, or incomplete somehow.
Something just always felt lacking.
I tried to ignore it. (Meh.)
Tried to analyze what it was that felt missing.
And when I found the source, looked for ways to fix that lack.
(Maybe I lacked money. Or self-confidence. Or self-love. Or maybe I should just get over it and be more grateful for what I DID have, dammit!)
Until one day, all my searching led me to the end of searching.
I’d tried everything and nothing worked and unlike that pink battery bunny that seems to go on forever in those ads, my batteries ran out.
The energy spent on analyzing and fixing and seeking turned inward.
And instead of looking for new solutions or what was still wrong with me, I looked at where those thoughts came from.
Was I making them somehow? (No.)
Did they just appear? (Yes.)
Where exactly did they come from?
What was that?
And who was looking at all of this?
This curiosity revealed something I’d always knew but didn’t know.
Not consciously.
More importantly, not experientially.
That there’s only this big nothing, for lack of a better word, where everything springs from.
I know, it gets vague here.
There really aren’t accurate words to describe it.
But when you experience it, it’s as clear as freshly polished glass.
I realized I didn’t land on the wrong planet.
I wasn’t a ZongBonger at heart while seeming to be human.
I was all and none of that.
Earth, humans, ZongBong3, the moon, all thoughts about the universe, the pesky mosquito pestering you at 4.14 am …
All an expression of that oneness that you can’t catch in words because words split everything in little pieces.
And that too, is oneness expressing itself as that apparent multitude.
Everything makes sense now.
No, not in a way that the mind understands.
God no.
But I feel it.
That weird ache I couldn’t touch nor heal has somehow left.
Oh, pain can still be there.
I can still look at humans, the world, what people do, myself included, and think “what the fuck?”
And that comes and goes.
And it’s not who I am.
And there’s nothing to fix.
And that pain I couldn’t quite point to, and
much more importantly,
that constant voice whispering that there was something wrong with me …
(As good as) gone.
And when it’s there, no longer bothers me.
Love,
P.S. If business and life are good, and yet …
something still feels off, or lacking, and you’re not sure what even though you tried everything you can think of already …
That’s what shifts in private coaching.
P.P.S. Liked this blog?
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