“How to look 5-10 years younger without plastic surgery.”
“Five tips to build more confidence.”
“How to become better at negotiating.”
Three random headlines that jumped at me while looking something up online.
Headlines like these are everywhere and quietly reinforce the same message:
You’re not the best you can be yet.
You’re not tapping into your full potential.
You’d be better (and happier) if you improved this one thing.
All you have to do is implement these tips / steps / exercises.
As a result of that barrage of you-should-work-on-yourself messages, most women I know doubt themselves.
“Deep down, I’m afraid that I’m not good enough,” is something 99% of all my clients over the past 25 years told me.
And most of them thought that the problem was them.
I thought so, too.
“I’m not good enough” was the quiet undercurrent running through me almost constantly.
I always had this image of the next best version of myself in mind. And I did my best to live up to that version daily. I thought I enjoyed it. It felt proactive, and smart, and driven.
And perhaps it partially was. If it weren’t for the underlying assumption that I wasn’t whole yet, not complete, and kept falling short somewhere.
There was always room for improvement.
Project ‘me’ was not finished yet!
Until one day, I realized this project was endless.
Yes, I saw improvements.
But by god, I was exhausted.
It felt like I was running a never-ending marathon.
(And I hate running.)
And what I most wanted to achieve still felt out of reach:
Inner freedom—from the constant inner noise shouting for my attention. A more relaxed way to live without the constant shoulds and musts tapping on my shoulders.
I tried to work my way towards it. But the goalposts kept moving. And I was done chasing them.
I dropped that whole inner circus.
Every time I felt the urge to hop on the self-improvement train, I paused.
(Well, almost every time. I still joined the circus every now and then.)
Instead of buying yet another book, online program, or fiddle with my mindset, I did … nothing.
I noticed the inner voices egging me on—and I didn’t listen.
I felt the restlessness I wanted to get away from—and stayed.
And I realized that these inner voices were harmless, powerless.
I saw that I didn’t create or control them.
They were just thoughts, arriving from and disappearing into … nothing.
I became less interested in those thoughts.
My attention shifted more and more to what was aware of them.
And in that shift, the idea that I wasn’t good enough began to soften. The thought comes by on autopilot every once in a while, but it no longer has any charge. It’s as neutral as the thought that the temperature is below zero.
The voice that used to tell me that I should be more productive finally shut up.
I slept better.
I felt calm in situations that used to freak me out.
And I’m rarely worried—and if worry arises, it usually deflates quickly instead of keeping me on my toes for hours, days, or weeks on end.
Sure, learning and growing still happens.
But it happens like grass grows:
Naturally. Spontaneously.
Without constantly pulling on the blades or yelling at it to grow fucking faster.
Now, there’s rest.
That inner freedom and deeper relaxation?
Found it.
Turns out they were already here.
Is everything hunky dory 24/7?
Of course not.
Life is still life.
Sad things can happen.
Annoyance arises.
I still swear and read thrillers.
And don’t call me.
Send me a text instead.
But in the midst of it all, that quiet is there.
When I learn something new it happens from curiosity, or joy.
No longer from the idea that something was lacking—that I was lacking—and that needs to be solved asap.
Project ‘me’ has ended.
Phew.
What a relief.
Love,
P.S. If your life looks good and yet, something’s still missing … and you’re tired of chasing it … my private coaching might be a fit.
P.P.S. Liked this blog?
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