Managing awakening.
That’s what I tried
for a while.
So used to being the good student.
So used to working on self-improvement.
And now, self-improvement took a subtler form.
Now, it was about awakening!
About becoming a better version of me
by seeing that I don’t exist.
So I tried to deepen the silence.
To be more present,
more often.
I tried to actively surrender and let go.
And felt bad when I realized I hadn’t been present for an hour,
a moment,
a day.
Dammit!
I just slowed down my awakening!
Now I had to wait longer to arrive on the other end!
(As if arrival was a thing.)
A tendency to manage what I do
or how present I am
still floats to the surface at times.
A slight feeling of wasting precious time
after watching a Netflix show
still surfaces sometimes, too.
Just a whisper of the voice it used to have.
No, I did not get ‘further along.’
No, I did not get ‘more awake’.
We’re all already awake,
even when we seem to sleep.
There’s nothing to do.
And nothing to manage.
Love,
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