I’m working on my book.
Both are true.
I first started working on it in 2011.
And it’s not ready yet.
I sometimes wish it was.
But the book, apparently, is not yet ready with me.
It took me on a journey that taught me a lot about myself, my purpose, and who I truly am.
The book helped me heal. Transform. And grow.
It helped me come home to myself.
And still…it has more things it wants from me – and for me.
I don’t know what.
I only know that there are 2 options to deal with this.
The first, is to push my way through it and force the book into a finished product.
I can easily do that.
It’s a solid book.
The topic is good.
The writing is not half bad.
And as it is now, it will already inspire those who resonate with it.
When I do that, I go against my soul.
I settle for what the book now is instead of letting it become ALL it can be.
And I go against how I vowed to live:
100% aligned with my truth, my soul, and the cosmic forces of the universes that I’m a part of and have a place in.
So that leaves only ONE option:
To follow the flow of the book.
To trust that the book, my soul, and the divine know best.
To trust MYSELF to know what’s inspired, right and true in each moment.
Even if it makes no sense.
Even if it triggers doubts or feelings I’d rather not feel.
I choose to trust.
And to surrender.
As I’ve been doing for 7 years now.
And being true to that process, to my soul, has brought me SO much already:
In 2011, it helped me overcome my fears of writing and working in English.
I started writing it in Dutch, but switched to English along the way so I could submit the finished manuscript to a writing contest.
I did not win that contest.
But I won something much, much bigger:
The courage to switch to working globally instead of in Dutch in The Netherlands only.
Over the years, I rewrote the book a couple of times for practical reasons:
Because the overall topic slightly changed.
Because my audience changed.
Because it turned out it wasn’t just one book, but a series of 4.
Or because the structure changed.
With every new version I wrote, a new gift or healing revealed itself:
The book helped me free my voice.
Helped me liberate and take a stand for the uncensored message I am born to share.
I’ve been doing that since the day I was born, but never as openly, and as consciously, as the book required me to do.
The book helped me take a stand for ME.
For who I truly, really, most deeply am.
To no longer hide part of who I am, or tone myself down – not even a little bit.
But to celebrate who I am instead, to embrace who I truly am, and to never, ever, EVER hide my truth or who I really am EVER again.
In order to do that, I had to heal my biggest wound and the deepest fear that I’ve been healing layer by layer over the past 15 or maybe even 20 years:
That the world isn’t safe for me.
That when I show my true colors and do exactly what I’m born and love to do, I cannot survive.
That it’s unsafe to be me.
That I cannot be loved for who I truly am.
And that there is no place for me in this world.
This has been at the root of all my fears around visibility, marketing, growing my business and going for my biggest vision.
But no matter how much I had already healed and transformed it, it was still not enough to be able to write this book.
To write it exactly as it SHOULD be.
The book helped me heal, and I am forever grateful.
And now, it’s August 2018.
I’ve been working on the book on and off since I wrote that very first version of it in 2011.
Every time, with every version, I always felt two things:
Yes, I’m going to write this book.
And no, this is not the version that will be published.
But I have to finish this version anyway.
Until this year.
I picked up writing again, and started yet another new version.
This time, after a couple of months, I felt something different:
Yes, I’m writing this book.
And yes, this is the version that will be published.
I saw myself publishing it this summer.
June, I thought, or maybe July.
I started my Divinely Selfish Community, which is a community /program around the central theme of the series of this book and my message:
The Art of Divine Selfishness.
I started talking about the book again, and thought I’d have it finished by now.
For some reason that I’m not clear on, the book is not done with me yet.
It may be finished tomorrow, it may be finished in 2093.
I do not know.
I can only be true to my soul, and my path, and the book, and follow its flow.
And that’s what I choose to do,
And I choose to FULLY let go of 2 underlying gremlins that sometimes fuck with my flow:
Sometimes I want to be done with the book just to be done with the book.
It’s been for-fucking-ever!
How long can it take to write a book!
I already wrote and published one before, I know the drill, this should be easy!
And sometimes, there’s a slight feeling of failure – of me being a loser – because I STILL don’t have it done yet.
#2 What others might think of it.
I put pressure on myself because I think that I should have delivered the book to the women in the Divinely Selfish Community already.
I think that other people no longer take me seriously because I’ve been talking about this for so. fucking. long.
And no. You don’t have to agree NOR disagree with me.
It’s not about what you think.
It’s NEVER about what anyone else thinks.
It’s always, and only, about what YOU think of you.
About what I think of me.
I choose to let all that go.
I surrender more deeply than I’ve ever done before.
I trust myself.
I trust my flow.
I trust the universe, and life.
I follow the flow of the book, and know it will be ready when it’s ready.
That’s all there is to it.
I choose to surrender and trust.
It feels so peaceful.
And so right.
Since you’re still here, let’s get back to you:
🌀 What can you surrender right now?
🌀 Where are you trying to push your way forward instead of following your flow?
🌀 Where aren’t you trusting in life, yourself, or how things unfold?
Choose to trust.
Choose to surrender.
I promise you it’s worth it!
©️ Brigitte van Tuijl
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