One of the women in my Divinely Selfish Community  asked a question in the Facebook group this week that A LOT of women can relate to:

“How can you give yourself the alone time you need, without hurting others who want you to be more available to them?”

Women are usually much better at tending to other people’s needs, than they are at giving THEMSELVES what they want, need or desire.


That’s why I asked V. permission to share her question and my answer with you. 

(Which she graciously gave me.)


If you want more alone time but are afraid this might hurt or bother others, our conversation below might inspire you, too.

And even if that’s no issue for you at all, there might be some other nuggets in it for you:


V’s question:

”Perhaps you can offer some insight on a ‘happy hermit’ type question?

Here goes…

I need a great deal of time to myself. 

And I am very content with this….

I am also happy to be in the company of those I enjoy, sometimes. The problem is that there is a pattern in my life. 

There seems to be consistently someone who is bothered that I am not available enough to them.

In the past this was a family member, then a friend, currently it is a boyfriend. 

It is bothersome to me when anyone takes it personally when I need some breathing space… and sometimes lots of it. 

I do not want to hurt anyone, especially those I care about.

How to get to a win/win and let go of the struggle? 

Any thoughts?  

How do you honor your hermit and socialize?”


My answer:

I don’t think the issue is that someone else doesn’t accept it (even though that’s what it looks like from the outside.)

This is about YOU: you don’t fully accept this part of you.

I think it is you who feels like being true to yourself and honoring your needs will probably always hurt someone – and you haven’t yet made peace with that fully.


That’s the key: FULL self-acceptance.

(Did you listen to that first masterclass yet? If not, you might enjoy it.)


Where do you not see / accept / love / respect yourself fully yet?

Where do you still have an issue with needing lots of alone time?

Where do you feel there’s something about yourself or your behavior you need to change?


For me, that’s the key. 

That’s how I honor who I am:

I fully accept AND love ALL of who I am. 


And I don’t tolerate people in my life who don’t accept me for who I am.

I’m OK with people not understanding me. 

As long as they’re not trying to change me, I’m cool with that.


I don’t need anyone to understand or accept me, because I understand and accept myself.

That was quite a journey though!! 

But it was a journey I happily took on because for me, there is no other way. 


I don’t live to please others. 

That’s not my job. 

I’m here to be ME. 

Period, the end.


It truly starts with you:

A) with accepting yourself FULLY – and if you’re not there yet, that’s fine! You know where to start and can work on that step by step,


B) with you deciding exactly what you do and do not tolerate from other people.


No matter what you do, there will ALWAYS people who’ll feel hurt by it, don’t understand it, judge it, or won’t accept it.

That’s on them. NOT on you. 

You can never please everyone, even if you tried.

(And when you try to please everyone around you, there is ALWAYS ONE person you hurt with that: YOURSELF).”


I hope this conversation sparked some insights for you, too.

And if you’d like more support & inspiration on putting you first?


Come join us in the Divinely Selfish Community. hide link to sales page underneath

I’d love to welcome you there!

(And you get instant access to the master class on self-acceptance I mention above – plus lots of other great content!)

To being true to YOU in everything you do,



© Brigitte van Tuijl


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